The Smurfs is back, joining Scooby-Doo, Speed Racer and countless other cartoons in the grand, majestic pantheon of "movies people didn't really expect to enjoy but paid to see anyway because it was easier than trying to care about anything invented after they grew body hair."

With G.I. Joe and The Transformers already bagged, tagged and mounted, the list of un-remixed kiddy fare is shrinking rapidly, and I can already hear thousands of Hollywood movers and their associated shakers reaching for their long-handled barrel-scrapers.

What follows is a list of leftover properties that are likely — nay, destined — to grace one or more screens in the near future. I wish I could stop them, but I'm just one man, and a pretty apathetic man at that. All I can do is warn you in the hopes that, after these exercises in flogging a dead Saturday morning have come and gone, a few hardy and prepared folks will remain to rebuild our civilization.

Above:

Original plot: Three children thwart an evil magician and assorted bog-standard baddies with the help of a sentient plastic cube that can do magic once it's solved because that makes sense somehow.

New plot: Robin Williams provides the voice of the titular polyhedron, rendered in loving and extremely creepy CGI. Three young thesbians who are as adorable as they are marginally competent at acting use Rubik to stop an evil magician (Kenneth Branagh), save a skate park from being demolished, get their parents back together and, oh, let's say win a dance contest.

Inevitable sequel:Rubik²: Trafalgar Squared!