porn palace for God will be in Brooklyn via remote web link, instead of in Geneva where the LHC is headquartered,” experimental philosopher Keats told Wired.com in an e-mail interview. “If CERN would like to build a porn palace locally, I’d be happy to consult with them. Perhaps a votive altar could even be built inside the LHC tunnel; that would be ideal.” Keats’ plan is elementary, dear particles. Using his Mac laptop, incense, candles, a votive altar and his own bottomless curiosity, he’s going to tickle God’s naughty bits and unknowable mind with quark-gluon plasma and other interstellar aphrodisiacs.

“Quark-gluon plasma is essentially the afterglow of divine coitus, and a lot sexier than the Higgs boson,” Keats said.

The artist’s goal may be more complex than his plan, and it’s definitely more important: He wants to remind God that he owes his galactic children (meaning us) a home void less susceptible to suicide.

“The universe has been expanding, as you’d expect any newborn to do, but over the past 13.7 billion years the growth has been unabated, and in fact the rate of expansion turns out to be increasing,” Keats said. “Because of the overabundance of dark energy, accelerating expansion is bound either to rip the universe to shreds or to render it formless and void. The gravitational draw of supermassive black holes isn’t going to help.

“You’d have thought God would have known better than to seed the universe in this way,” he added. “Maybe God will conceive future universes with better chances of long-term survival.”

The X-rated crusade opens to the public Friday at Williamsburg’s alternative arts space Louis V E.S.P., continuing for two weeks with fingers crossed that God comes, too. The indie porn theater also will screen Keats’ previously released pornography for plants, in which explicit images of pollination will be projected on local flora spirited away from the streets of Brooklyn for a procreative fortnight.

Keats has had God on the brain for a while now. He previously tried to engineer God in a petri dish, and once built a temple to science, among other installations and exhibitions designed to tickle brains and funny bones.

With recent news that our beloved Milky Way may fizzle out faster than expected, Keats’ God porn couldn’t come at a better time.

“The Milky Way is one of hundreds of billions of galaxies in the universe, so the attention given to these local observations is just our egotism acting up,” Keats said. “Like the trillions of cells in our bodies, galaxies come and go. If nothing else, I hope that my pornography for God can provide humans with a cosmic perspective.”

The easiest way to do that would probably be to admit some scientific truths about holier-than-thou hypocrites like the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ, who’ve evidently been around a few blocks of their own.

“If Jesus is the offspring of God and Mary, that would make him a cross-species hybrid, sort of like how you get a mule if you breed a horse and donkey,” Keats said. “But the salient point is that Mary supposedly conceived Jesus without losing her virginity, which suggests that God may have some sexual issues.”

Whether that’s a consequence of divine misogyny or simply a case of extreme narcissism, Keats added, he doesn’t possess enough raw data to confirm.

“I’m not a psychoanalyst,” he said. “But I am pretty sure that some good porn can alleviate God’s 13.7-billion-year hang-up.”

See Also:

• Jonathon Keats’ Space Agency Launches Arty Exotourism
• Story That Takes 1,000 Years to Read Is Antidote to Media Whirlwind
• Jonathon Keats Derails Econopocalypse With Antimatter Currency

Authors: Scott Thill

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