Speaking for the villains, Andrew Ryan, union head and main villain of BioShock, released the following statement: “Game publishers have long acted as a parasite on the body of the hardworking antagonists of the videogame industry. Their cowardly refusal to remain at the bargaining table marks them not as men, but as slaves; slaves to their profits.”

Chief union negotiator Arthas Menethil, aka the Lich King, explained the union’s stance. “Over the past 20 years, videogames have become steadily easier, but wages have only risen to match the cost of living,” he said. “In 1985 a ghost or goblin might expect to be killed only about half the time, but a modern orc or stormtrooper might go through hundreds of deaths without once taking out a player character. This greater risk demands higher pay. So says the Lich King!”

Game industry representative Harold Millard disagreed. “With all due respect, His Undead Lordship is referring to a time when we were hard-pressed to fit eight enemies at a time on the screen. These days, with gamers taking on hordes of zerglings and malls full of zombies, we simply can’t afford to increase pay. And that’s not even counting sandbox games, where even the innocent bystanders get villain pay just in case the player decides to pick a fight with them. If we raised everyone’s wages, it would be ‘game over’ for the entire industry.”

If the threatened strike goes forward, gamers might find themselves facing a Christmas season with no new games, except in genres without a tangible bad guy. In preparation, many game developers are rumored to be working on casual and educational versions of their flagship franchises.

“Metroid Puzzle Match, that I can see,” said a game industry insider who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Grand Theft Arithmetic? Or Sam Fisher Teaches Typing? This could do more damage to the videogame industry than fresh air and exercise combined.”

Demands of the Video Game Antagonists’ Union

The union’s demands include:

• Increased pay for antagonists across the board, to be deposited into federally insured bank accounts rather than doled out in gold pieces for adventurers to loot from their fallen bodies.

• An end to the practice of palette swapping, where a Crimson Dragon might be recolored blue and made to play an Ice Drake later in the game for no added pay.

• A limit of one transformation per mini-boss, and two transformations per final boss, putting a check on the increasingly elaborate boss battles expected of major villains in recent games.

• Improved peripheral vision for guard characters, allowing them to see enemies not standing directly in front of them.

• Extra pay for bad guys subjected to dismemberments, immolations and slow-motion kills.

• Additional “save scumming” pay for antagonists forced to fight the same battle over and over again as the player reloads saved games to get the best treasure.

• Holiday pay for the Feast of Winter Veil, The Star Festival and We Love the King Day.

• Fresh fruit in the green room.

Gamers React to Union Demands

Gamers interviewed about the looming crisis were mixed in their reaction to the conflict

“While I understand the industry’s reluctance to spend more money in this economic downturn,” said self-described hard-core gamer Ned Alvarez, “the hard-working bad guys and cannon fodder deserve more recompense than they’re currently getting.”

His little brother and fellow gamer Troy disagreed. “Die, stupid zombie,” he said, controller in hand. “You’re so stupid! Why don’t you die?”

- – -

Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a protagonist, an antagonist and a podiatrist.

See Also:

• Alt Text: 5 Flash Games That Hate You
• Alt Text: Videogame Wisdom You Can Apply to Real Life
• Alt Text: Are Videogames Art? Time Will Tell

Authors: Lore Sjöberg

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