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Morning Again in Hyrule
Candidate
Ganon, aka Dark Beast, Prince of Darkness, King of Evil (Legend of Zelda)
Campaign Platform
Reform Health Care: The elderly shall receive bonus heart containers at no charge.
Establish a Banking System: Since you people seem intent on storing your precious gems in fragile pots and the tall grass.
Improve Defense: We will no longer leave maps of our dungeons lying around for anyone to find, and puzzles will be made even more fiendishly difficult.
1-Up Mushrooms For All
Candidate
Bowser, aka King Koopa (Super Mario Bros.)
Campaign Platform
Open the Transit System: Make green pipes accessible to Koopa Troopas and Goombas, as well as pestilential Italian plumbers!
Grant Freedom for All: Except for princesses. No freedom whatsoever for them.
Abolish Star Power: Too long have we feared the rampages of temporarily invincible enemies using this unfair boost. (The accompanying leitmotif adds insult to injury.)
Protect the Environment: Especially carnivorous piranha plants and venus fire traps.
Innovation for Magnificent Victory
Candidate
Dr. “Ivo” Robotnik, aka Dr. Eggman (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Campaign Platform
Uplift the Military: Construct giant death machines to slay the fascist running dogs (and hedgehogs).
Venerate Antimaterialism: Those who greedily collect gold rings will be reeducated.
Set Speed Limits: Immediately abolish all red sneakers, as well as the practice of rolling up into a ball to blast through loop-de-loops.
Launch Glorious Five-Year Plan: Win console war, proceed to next level.
Illustrations: Matt Taylor
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