It’s been almost a decade since the U.S. began its wars in countries that most Americans can’t find on a map, let alone understand the native language. The military’s tried nearly everything to get around its language barriers, from spending big bucks trying to ape Star Trek’s Universal Translator to hiring expensive contractors who speak Arabic, Pashto and Dari. One defense giant thinks it’s got a better idea: warzone conference calling.

Lockheed Martin is rolling out a Dial-a-Translator system it calls LinGO Link. The gist of it is that troops needing to talk to locals in real time can call into a “bank of interpreters” that the company will maintain somewhere near the frontlines. Using a specialized smartphone operating on a proprietary data network, a soldier using LinGO Link would dial him and his local interlocutor into the call center so a native speaker can translate.

“LinGo Link serves as a force multiplier by allowing interpreters, skilled in multiple languages and dialects, to be used in different areas without the need to be physically present at each location,” promises Lockheed in a statement rolling out the new service.

All of which sounds fine. Except that LinGO Link is only going to be as good as the translators who work in the call center, and as powerful as the broadband that can let troops call in to have their conversations relayed. Everyone who’s been on a conference call knows how annoying it can be even in their native language. Setting up a three-way call in order to speak with someone you’re standing in the same room with could easily become a frustrating game of telephone — except this one could potentially be a life-or-death situation.

Face to face, in-person translation doesn’t come cheap. Last year, the Army gave an Ohio-based company a whopping $679 million, no-bid contract to provide it with translators in Afghanistan. But it’s not clear how Lockheed’s system will be any cheaper, especially if the government has to pony up for call centers. Those call centers would be “within the area of operations” of the troops themselves — meaning they’d be in warzones, not comfortably back in the States. That’s not gonna come cheap.

Also, in-person translators will be able to read visual cues from the locals that troops need to speak with. Someone on a conference call isn’t going to be able to know whether an Afghan is jittery because he’s dangerous or because he’s in an unfamiliar situation. And what happens if a local doesn’t feel like being connected?

Lockheed representatives didn’t return our calls. But they promise LinGO Link will “suppor[t] multiple dialects,” and provide “‘whisper-in-the-ear’ cultural and intelligence support that goes beyond the words being spoken — offering clues to the community’s culture, security, economy, and laws — and enhancing the quality of the exchange.” Which sounds great — until the first dropped call.

Photo: U.S. Air Force