I predicted: “Apple will release a tablet computer and it will be a huge flop, on the scale of a Newton running Microsoft Bob.”

What happened: Apple released the iPad, which has sold more than 10 million units. However, I suspect that most people who bought an iPad aren’t actually using it, for the same reason I’m not: My girlfriend immediately hijacked it to play Civilization Revolution and Pocket Frogs in bed, and she says I can have one of the second-generation iPads when they come out, unless those are better, in which case I get mine back. Given that in the late ’90s, I was able to use my Newton for six months before giving up and buying a Palm III, I call this prediction essentially correct.

I predicted: “A prominent vlogger will be arrested in Denmark after releasing secret videos of top government officials attending a combination Black Mass and rainbow party. He will break out of jail using his newly discovered power of gravitation control.”

What happened: This is pretty obviously a reference to the WikiLeaks saga with a few minor details slightly not completely right. The gravitation-control thing remains to be seen, but I wouldn’t rule it out. This is as correct as could be expected given that I kind of had this sinus thing going when I wrote it.

I predicted: “The Republican party will take back control of the White House.”

What happened: Look, I meant “House of Representatives.” Obviously I meant “House of Representatives” — it was a typo. All that stuff about a tea party militia and the Obamas fleeing to Newfoundland to seek asylum from Premier Kathy Dunderdale was a typo as well. Also “Newfoundland” is properly called “Newfoundland and Labrador,” which sounds like the title of a furry webcomic. The point here is that typos and poor editing aside [Editor's note: Screw you, Lore], I was completely right.

I predicted: “There will be no oil spills this year. If there is one, it will be minor. If there’s a major spill after all, it’ll be off India or Japan or something, not near the United States. If, for some reason, there’s a major spill in U.S. waters, Kevin Costner will have no ideas about how to contain it. And if Costner does come up with some sort of oil-cleanup plan or device, he will not do so two weeks after getting a sex change.”

What happened: Kevin Costner is still a man. I nailed this one.

I predicted: “This is the year that Facebook will finally join Orkut and Friendster on the pile of failed social sites, freeing us from FarmVille updates, unwanted friend requests and embarrassing photographs.”

What happened: I may have been off by a few weeks, but clearly Facebook is on the way down. Soon I’ll be able to have conversations with my friends without having to deal with their wide-eyed huffiness over the fact that I haven’t been following their every bleat. It’s almost over, I swear. Just … just give me this one, OK? I need to believe.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjoberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a futurist, a futilitarian and a futon.

See Also:

• Alt Text: The Best New Webcomics of 2010
• Breasts, Violas and Tulips: Alt Predictions for 2008
• Alt Predictions for 2007

Authors: Lore Sjöberg

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