But the wizarding world gets no respect from videogame makers. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 was released for multiple game platforms Tuesday and was promptly excoriated by critics.

Instead of using the books’ rich universe to create an equally rich game, Electronic Arts turned Deathly Hallows into a mindless spell’em-up. And frankly, few other Potter games have fared any better over the last decade.

We believe that the world of Harry Potter deserves better. So we’ve come up with some must-play game ideas that could help redeem Harry in the eyes of gamers worldwide. Hope you’re listening, muggle developers.

HogsVille

What it is: Hagrid’s “Care and Feeding of Magical Creatures” class ain’t got nothin’ on this wizarding ranch social media game.

Why it would be awesome: Actually, we should really stop writing this feature right now, because this is how we are going to make a million dollars. Imagine the possibilities: Raise a whole barnful of Kneazles, then sell their poop for more Sickles, Galleons and Knuts. Get your friends to help you pull Mandrakes out of their pots, turning down your speakers to muffle their deadly screams. Then get addicted and buy more Galleons at five to the U.S. dollar. We are going to be so filthy rich, it is ridiculous.

Box quote: “I spent your college fund on a Crumple-Horned Snorkack!” –your mom

–Chris Kohler

Grand Theft Auror IV

What it is: Play as new student Niko Bellatrix, who enlisted in Hogwarts to escape his troubled past and pursue the American dream.

Why it would be awesome: Hogwarts is great and all, but with the exception of a few Slytherins, everyone there is a goody-two-shoes. Niko Bellatrix, on the other hand, is a hard-boiled criminal who isn’t afraid to do what’s necessary to get things done, whether it’s casting spells on unsuspecting witches, hijacking brooms or killing hookers … wizard hookers.

Box quote: “A masterpiece. Niko Bellatrix is the perfect tragic hero.” –GameSpot

–Jason Schreier

Hippogriff Racing

What it is: Harry and friends race around the wizarding world in this shameless ripoff of Mario Kart.

Why it would be awesome: Who doesn’t like Mario Kart? For that matter, who wouldn’t like riding around on winged behemoths ready to tear the wings off competing racers? The magical nature of Harry Potter means there’s an array of already-established spells ready to use as weapons or power-ups. One use of the Avada Kedavra spell and your opponents are reduced to green, steaming ash.

Box quote: “I used the boost to get through, and it was glorious.” –Nintendo Power

–John Mix Meyer

EA Sports Buggy-Ass Quidditch Elite 11

What it is: It’s a glitch-filled re-creation of the wizarding world’s greatest and most implausible sport! Did Harry just catch the Snitch, or did the game just hard-lock? Who can say?

Why it would be awesome: Quidditch is impossible to make a fun videogame out of, because nothing you do matters besides catching the Snitch. So a hilariously incompetent version from EA Canada couldn’t be any worse. Shoot the Quaffle through the goal, unless it disappears off the screen and doesn’t come back! It’s a barrel of laughs when ginger Seeker Ginny Weasley suddenly appears on the pitch with Cho Chang’s skin texture!

Box quote: “Best sports game since Worldwide Soccer Manager 2009!” –IGN

–Chris Kohler

Potions Mama

What it is: Playing as a talented young potions artist, you’ll follow recipes and blend together ingredients to craft the perfect tinctures and draughts.

Why it would be awesome: You might be asking yourself: What could possibly be better than pretending to cook food? How about pretending to make potions? Slicing up knotgrass and crushing leeches has never been this much fun, especially with Professor Snape on-screen to yell whenever you screw up. Not sure what to do next? Just pop in the Half-Blood Prince’s Game Genie, and you’ll be OK.

Box quote: “Way too difficult, to the point where it’s almost unplayable.” –Neville Longbottom

–Daniel Feit and Jason Schreier

Thestralz

What it is: The virtual pet game where you can only see your pets if you have witnessed death.

Why it would be awesome: You might think that this game has too small an audience, but in fact a lot of people could play it — anybody who worked at 3D Realms, for example.

Box quote: “3/10.” — 43-year-old childless man inexplicably assigned the review of a pet game

–Chris Kohler

Girlsmeade

What it is: In this hot new Japanese simulation game, you’ll take Hogwarts girls out on dates throughout the castle and countryside.

Why it would be awesome: Like any good dating sim, Girlsmeade features a variety of girls, each with her own interests and tastes in men. Go out with a Gryffindor, and you might have to show some respect. But the Slytherin girls go for the bad boys, so get ready to channel your inner Draco Malfoy. Play your cards right, and you’ll be Bludgering Quaffles in no time, if you know what we mean.

Box quote: “Genuine girl-game bliss!” –DieHard GameFan

–Jason Schreier

Warcraft: Wizards and Death Eaters

What it is: Players control a vast army of wizards and witches to wage war against the forces of Lord Voldemort in this spinoff of the Warcraft series of real-time strategy games.

Why it would be awesome: Imagine playing the climatic battle scene of Book 7, in which Harry Potter and his allies struggle to defend Hogwarts Castle against the incoming waves of Death Eaters and other nasties. The Harry Potter books and movies have a variety of spectacular battles that a a real-time strategy game could use as inspiration. There could be different classes of wizards and witches, too. For example, Botanists could be support units, doling out helpful buffs to your combat units.

Box quote: “That was wonderful! Bravo! I loved it. It was great. Well it was pretty good. Well it wasn’t bad. Well there were parts of it that weren’t very good though. It could have been a lot better. I didn’t really like it. It was pretty terrible. It was bad. It was awful! Terrible! Terrible! Hey, boo! BOO!” –NeoGAF forums

–John Mix Meyer

Harry Potter: The Theme Park: The Game

What it is: The official game of the theme park of the movie of the book.

Why it would be awesome: Want to experience the Harry Potter theme park of the movies of the books, but can’t get to Orlando? Try Harry Potter: The Theme Park: The Game, an extraordinary experience that will allow you to feel like you’re actually there! Visit fantastic Harry Potter theme park in-game movie-based book-based locations like Zonko’s and the Three Broomsticks! You won’t want to leave!

Box quote: “The best park-based movie-based book-based game since Pirates of the Caribbean.” –1up.com

–Jason Schreier

Sorting Hat

What it is: Play as the Sorting Hat in this faithful re-creation of the Sorting Hat.

Why it would be awesome: Here at Game|Life, we get a lot of fan letters. People write in for all sorts of reasons, but the most common complaint is that not enough games allow you to play as the Sorting Hat. That’s why we’re proposing what once seemed impossible: A game where you can play as the Sorting Hat.

Box quote: “Phenomenal.” — sortinghatfans.org

–Jason Schreier

Thestralz image: Chris Kohler/Wired.com. Forest background Sebastian Droge/Flickr

See Also:

• Win Harry Potter Sorting Hat, Sorcerer's Stone Download
• Review: Harry Potter Spells iPhone App Is Magical, If Imperfect
• New Deathly Hallows Pics Present Penultimate Potter (Update: New Trailer Added)

Authors: Jason Schreier

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