crocodile-tear martyrdom, and manicured fingernails marked with the vulgarities of the beast. Need more proof of Lohan’s über-evilness? Even O. J. Simpson lawyer Robert Shapiro wouldn’t defend her.

2// Mel Gibson is actually an alien.
In August, the actor loses control of his Maserati and crashes it into a Malibu canyon. When the police arrive, Gibson emerges from the wreck sober, cooperative, and respectful. Clearly, the real Gibson has been kidnapped and replaced by a mild-mannered alien imposter. (Come to think of it, this may be his best career move yet.)

3// Kevin Costner returns as our savior.
The star of Waterworld has delivered a new oil-separation technology that’s helping in the Gulf cleanup. We appreciate the effort, but we didn’t even like it when Costner delivered mail in the apocalypse.

4// Bruce Willis pushes perfume.
Hollywood’s toughest tough guy, who delivered phrases like “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker” while sporting pit stains and shooting a gun, now has his own fragrance. Expect a toxic trend as other ancient action stars bottle their man musk, culminating in a world-choking cloud of Mickey Rourke’s l’Eau du Wrestler.

5// Debbie Gibson and Tiffany make a comeback.
The 1980s pop relics are starring in a made-for-TV movie on the Syfy Network called Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. (The spelling of the network’s name may be partly to blame for upsetting the universe.) The pandemic of irony unleashed could be lethal enough to wipe out most of North America.

6// The still-living body of Ozzy Osbourne is used to further the human race.
Researchers are studying the infamous bat-biter’s DNA to figure out how he can possibly be alive after years of substance abuse. Don’t forget, the Prince of Darkness was featured in the The Decline of Western Civilization Part II. Sounds like foreshadowing to us.

7// A remake of True Grit is in the works.
Some things should just never, ever be touched. Remake Clash of the Titans? Fine. Remake the only film that garnered John Wayne an Oscar? Dark days are ahead. Sure, the Coen brothers are involved, but remember their last remake, The Ladykillers? The ghost of John Wayne is already mounting his red horse…

Authors: Mike Ryan

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