Mr. Jackson, I want to start out by saying I’m excited to hear that you’re directing The Hobbit. Nothing against Guillermo Del Toro, but I’m thrilled to my mitochondria to know that you’re on the job.

Frankly, between the Star Wars prequels and the Matrix sequels, if it weren’t for you I would have lost my faith in the whole idea of corporate-backed blockbuster geek franchises.

I’m also glad to hear about the casting, specifically that Nic Cage will not be playing Bilbo Baggins. I heard a rumor he was gunning for the part. If so, good for you for not giving in. Nic Cage is like a peanut allergy to me. I can’t even go see a movie that was processed in the same factory as a Nic Cage movie.

So, OK, here goes. I understand that you’re one of the world’s most-talented and huggiest-looking directors, so I’m not going to tell you how to do your job, except that I am.

I understand that you’re doing two Hobbit movies, in part to capture the shift in tone from the light-hearted, rollicking adventure of The Hobbit to the darker, more serious tone of your Lord of the Rings movies, much like the shift from The Mary Tyler Moore Show to Lou Grant.

That’s fine. But for the love of all that is widescreen, please take it easy on the winking, “clever” references to the Lord of the Rings movies.

I hate to drag George Lucas back into this, but he’s the current poster child for fan remorse. Everything had to be linked to everything else in the prequels: Anakin made C-3P0; Yoda and Chewbacca fought alongside one another; Greedo and Jabba the Hutt took jazz choir together in high school.

It was out of control. Same goes for that Enterprise series with the guy from Quantum Leap — it might as well have been called Star Trek: Clumsy References to Better Shows.

You’ve got plenty to work with in terms of Gollum and Gandalf and the One Ring. Don’t feel like you have to remind the viewers every 15 minutes that they’re watching a prequel.

Please, Not in The Hobbit

Here are some things I don’t want to hear in the Hobbit movies:

• “Hi, Bilbo! We just came up from Moria. Did you know we’ve been delving too greedily and too deep? True story.”

• “So you’re Gandalf? Your robes are kind of gray — you should look into whitening them.”

• “These goblins aren’t so bad. At least nobody’s making bigger, stronger versions of them in a pit somewhere.”

• “Pals? Elves and dwarves cannot be … pals.”

• “Come along, now. You’re slower than an Ent, which is a sort of creature that some of our relatives might meet someday.”

• Anything about dwarf-tossing.

• “This mithril shirt could protect you against a spear thrown by a cave troll, although you’d probably be stunned and look like you were dead for a couple of minutes.”

• “What harm can it do? It’s just one ring!”

• “Alas, I fear our story is only two-fifths told.”

Sincerely,

L-Sjö

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a halfling, an earthling and a riesling.

See Also:

• Alt Text: 5 Directors Take on The Hobbit (and Fail)
• Alt Text: Resurrected Movie Gimmicks of the Future
• Alt Text: Sam Raimi's Warcraft Movie Production Diary

Authors: Lore Sjöberg

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