For instance, if I have some sort of household task where I could do a quick, slapdash job that will have to be redone sometime in the future, or a thorough job that will last much longer, I can instantly decide to go play videogames instead.

Or if I’m in traffic and someone swerves into my lane, and the only way to avoid running into them is to turn into the oncoming lane and risk an even bigger accident, I can instantly decide that I wish I had stayed home and played videogames instead.

I’ve even learned things that apply to situations other than playing videogames, wishing I was playing videogames, or picking the next videogame to play. These lessons mostly apply to responding to attacks by some combination of mutants, aliens and terrorists — if we’re ever invaded by mutant alien terrorists, I am the savior of mankind — but I think they’re also handy guidelines for living in general.

Life Lessons Gleaned From Videogames

Always check behind waterfalls. There’s always something cool back there.

If a door is protected by elaborate security devices, you can probably get through it eventually. If it’s just locked, however, you’re screwed.

It’s generally best to shoot anyone you see. You usually can’t hurt people unless they’re your enemies.

Doctors and other medical professionals are unnecessary. There are always other ways to recover from multiple stab and/or gunshot wounds, like first-aid kits or food or sometimes just standing still for a few seconds.

Never try to do anything, cooperatively or competitively, with strangers unless you want to be called by many vile and contradictory racial and sexual slurs.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with floating words telling you to use the left control stick to walk.

There is no evil so debased and amoral that you can’t team up with it in the sequel.

There are some things in life you can’t control, like yourself during cut scenes.

Even if you accomplish something extraordinary and heroic over the course of dozens of hours, there’s still a bunch of busywork to do before you can call yourself 100 percent successful.

There is no reason not to break anything that can be broken.

If you talk to people for more than 30 seconds, they start repeating themselves.

Even in a major crisis, with people imploring you to do something immediately, you have plenty of time to wander around peeking into corners and exploring. You’ll know when something really has to happen immediately, because a timer will appear and start counting down.

There’s always room to improve your skills and hone your talents by killing more people.

Once you’ve saved the day, one option is to enter an arena and fight other people who also have saved the day. The other option is to save the day in the exact same way against tougher enemies.

If you’re ever lost and directionless, with no idea what to do with your life, look up the walk-through on the internet.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a space marine, an orcish warchief and a rotund Italian plumber.

See Also:

• Alt Text: Are Videogames Art? Time Will Tell
• Alt Text: Giving Valve Games That Special Apple Touch
• Alt Text Video: Top 5 Most Guilt-Inducing Videogames

Authors: Lore Sjöberg

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