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Mardi, 19 Octobre 2010 13:00

Surviving the Apocalypse, Hollywood-Style

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If we’ve learned anything from Hollywood, it’s that the world will end in spectacular fashion. Thankfully, it also schooled us on how to survive. Movies and TV shows are overflowing with handy tips for keeping it together when everything falls apart.

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Scenario A:
Rampant Viruses/ Exploding Nukes

The causes are just distractions. The outcome is the same: empty cities but plentiful resources. The real problem won’t be smoldering ruins—it’s the hell that is other people. And zombies. Steal an armored ATV like in Damnation Alley or a Doomsday1-style converted bus. Fill it with food, water, and gear like they do in Survivors2. Also, guns. At least those will scare off the cannibal raiders à la The Road3 or The Book of Eli. And if Omega Man taught us anything, it’s that world-ending viruses also create zombies, so aim for the head. You’re also going to need to know kung fu. Zombies hate kung fu.

Scenario B:
Natural Disaster

Errant asteroids, flip-flopping magnetic poles, or total climatic collapse will make things awfully lonely. Just look at that poor bastard in The Quiet Earth4. He ended up dressing in a lady’s slip and preaching to a cardboard cutout of Hitler. Worse yet, you’re going to be hunting for water like the Solarbabies or freezing your ass off in a Day After Tomorrow5-style winter. So bring a pair of roller blades and a warm jacket. Also, engineering and physics textbooks are the perfect foundation for rebuilding the ties that bind humanity (though an RV also helped in Ark II6). And track down a knockoff lightsaber—if it’s good enough for Thundarr the Barbarian

Scenario C:
Alien Invasion

When giant alien tripods start blasting people with heat rays, as in War of the Worlds7 or, um, The Tripods, you have little recourse but to hope they forgot to take their allergy meds or that, like in Independence Day8 , their computers are vulnerable to a Mac virus. If the aliens look just like us, bodies are gonna get snatched. Smart survivors observe friends and family to distinguish them from pod people, à la Invaders From Mars9. Tolerance for g forces and heights helps, too, whether flying fighter jets against 10-foot-tall Thetans—er, aliens—from Battlefield: Earth or jumping from helicopters to kill (non-alien) dragons in Reign of Fire.

Scenario D:
Authoritarian Dystopia

Life in the megalopolis can be fun—the restaurants! the thunderdomes!—but it’s always raining acid, and traffic is a bitch. First things first: Get a job as a cop. That gig made life easier in the Blade Runner10, Logan’s Run, and Judge Dredd11 universes, and it lets you learn cool skills, like Gun Kata in Equilibrium12. Professional athletes also have it made, so join the Rollerball team or the pit crew in Death Race 2000. The slavering proles will bet on your success even if you’re a convicted murderer, like in The Running Man. Skip the exhausting Matrix-ian messiah act. The one takeaway: The State hates kung fu.

Credits: 2: BBC; 3: DVD Sony Home Entertainment; 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12: Everett; 7: Paramount

Authors: Adam Rogers

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