Amazon has been reminding me with robotic precision about how much time I have left to have its mail-order elves wrap and send a gift for me in lieu of actually placing my hands on whatever joy offering I’m coughing up. The Christmas podcasts are starting to roll in, and my various iPhone games have been updating with the usual yuletide conga line of red hats and carrot-nosed snowfolk.

I am, however, obligated by custom, habit and the recently enacted O’Reilly-Inhofe Christmas Preservation Act to write a column or two about Christmas, so this week I bring you: The Least Christmasy Christmas Things. I want to point out that all these things are completely real; I don’t have to invent anything to bring you a parade of sad things vaguely related to Christmas.

Christmas Island

There are a bunch of places called Christmas Island, but I’m going to talk about the one also known as Kiritimati, a small island in the Pacific Ocean that’s experienced basically every bad thing that can happen to an island, short of being the location of a reality show. Drought, extinction of native wildlife due to the introduction of foreign species, and, oh yeah, nuclear testing. Well, at least the native islanders were evacuated during the tests, right? You deluded fool. Ground zero at Christmas!

The Christmas Bullet

William Whitney Christmas was a man who believed that humans should be free to fly like birds. Exactly like birds, in fact. He invented a plane with wings that were free to flap as they pleased. The plane, once launched, soared through the air like a mighty emu and hit the ground similarly, killing the pilot. The second Christmas Bullet also crashed and killed its pilot, one Lt. Allington Joyce Jolly. “Lt. Jolly and the Christmas Bullet” sounds like the worst holiday special ever.

Christmas Disease

I barely even need to explain this one. It’s a form of hemophilia named after Stephen Christmas, a 10-year-old who was the first person to be diagnosed with it. Oh, and it was also described in the December issue of the British Medical Journal. The disease can cause, among other things, spontaneous hemorrhaging into the joints. Frankly, in comparison to Christmas disease, a lump of coal sounds like a pretty good gift.

Christmas Beetles

These beetles don’t look particularly Yuleish. They’re not red and white, they don’t make a jingle noise when they fly, and they’re not the secret ingredient in figgy pudding. They’re called Christmas beetles because they emerge around Christmastime in Australia, which is to say summertime. In the United States, we’d have to call them National Chocolate Pudding Day beetles. At any rate, what do Christmas beetles do? Well, some of them kill off groves of eucalyptus trees. That’s right, these insects starve cuddly koalas. Not exactly Kris Kringle-approved behavior.

Lee Christmas

Here’s what you need to know about Lee Christmas. He crashed a train and lived. As a mercenary in Central America about a hundred years ago, he switched sides twice, once after he’d already won. He hung out with a guy named “Machine Gun” Molony. He overthrew Honduras with the backing of a fruit-trading company. He chewed glass. He’s about as un-Christmas as you can get, and that’s a shame. Maybe Lee can become the new Santa Claus. Tell the kids that after they’re asleep, Lee Christmas will kick down the door, toss back any milk and cookies in the house whether they’ve been left out for him or not, and if they’ve been very good he’ll leave. I’d like to hear a festive holiday ditty about that.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a mercenary, a mercy killer and a Mersenne prime.

See Also:

• Alt Text: Nightmare Christmas Movies You'll Never See
• Alt Text Video: The Strange Story of Santa
• Alt Text: Stop the Christmas Carol Spoofs

Authors: Lore Sjöberg

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